I want to take some time to kōrero about our kare-a-roto (emotions) — no matter what we do they are constant in our lives, sometimes welcomed when they are comfortable and other times challenging when uncomfortable. For the longest time, I struggled with my own kare-a-roto. I didn’t know how to respond to them with care and grace, and so, I ignored them. But, as many of you might know, when we push our kare-a-roto aside, they don’t just disappear. Instead, they build and build, until they spill over. For me, no matter what kare-a-roto I was feeling—be it sadness, anxiety, or even hurt—I would default to anger. Anger was familiar. When I was sad and found myself crying, I’d get angry. When I felt anxious, I’d look for something or someone to be mad at.

Over time, I realized I wasn’t responding to the actual kare-a-roto I felt in response to these situations that elicited them. Instead, I was managing only my anger, which covered up everything else that needed attention. Through a lot of unpacking and reflection, I came to understand that anger had become my go-to emotion because of my upbringing, where anger was often seen as more acceptable to express than sadness, fear, or vulnerability. Learning to lean into these other emotions—allowing myself to actually feel sadness, anxiety, or disappointment—was a journey and a hard one of that. As I support my kōtiro to understand and regulate her own kare-a-roto. In showing her the tools to manage her feelings, I’ve found myself revisiting this journey within me as well.

Currently as a wahine still learning to deal with my ekare-a-roto especially when they are intense, a mama and a psychologist, this is what I currently think about kare-a-roto.

kare-a-roto carries wisdom and power, asking us to listen, reflect, and ultimately, to grow. Rather than seeing kare-a-roto as mere reactions or inconveniences or bad, we can learn to lean into them, embracing the full depth and range of our feelings. This relationship with our emotions allows us to connect with ourselves on a deeper level and strengthens our wellbeing over time.

Because the reality is they come from somewhere. I will forever remind myself and others that your emotions are always valid because of what you are feeling in that moment - However the reasons for the emotions may not always be tika or pono, and the way we express these kare-a-roto should never harm others. This does not mean we suppress the expression of big emotions in the hopes of not harming others, instead we suspend the intensity and include aroha when we do express them.

Pūrakau of Rūaumoko - Learning to Lean into Emotions

To understand the value of embracing all our kare-a-roto, let us reflect on the pūrakau of Rūaumoko, the atua of earthquakes, volcanoes, and the earth’s rumblings. Rūaumoko is the unborn child of Papatūānuku and Ranginui, who was still within Papatūānuku’s womb when their separation occurred. Feeling the grief of his parents' parting, Rūaumoko stirs beneath the earth, and his emotions manifest in the shaking, rumbling, and eruptions we feel as earthquakes and volcanic activity.

Rūaumoko’s story reminds us that emotions, even those that may seem disruptive or overwhelming, are a natural part of our being. When we experience anger, sadness, grief, or restlessness, we are connecting to that same energy of upheaval, of emotional shifting and shaping. Just as Rūaumoko’s movements can feel intense, our own emotions can surface with a similar force, asking us to notice and tend to them. Not to be suppressed nor feared, but acknowledged and integrated.

Where do your kare-a-roto live in the Tinana? If you don’t know where each kare-a-roto is housed - I challenge you to be curious about this.

Our kare-a-roto are not just thoughts or reactions; they live within our tinana, stored and expressed in different ways.

Becoming aware of where each kare-a-roto sits within our tinana helps us recognize and respond to them with respect and compassion.

• Anxiety and fear may show up as tightness in the chest, shallow breathing, or that unsettled feeling in the stomach.

• Sadness might manifest as a heaviness in the shoulders, an ache around the heart, or a dull energy in our limbs.

• Anger or frustration could bring heat to the face, a clenched jaw, or tension in our hands.

By noticing these physical sensations, we begin to map out where emotions reside and recognize the tohu before they build up too strongly. .

This knowledge of where kare-a-roto live within us allows us to lean into our feelings without letting them overwhelm us

Responding with manaakitanga to our kare-a-roto, essentially grace and care, allows us to be present with our feelings rather than fighting against them or ignoring them. Here are ways to respond to your kare-a-roto:

• Give yourself the space to identify and name what you’re feeling. Often, the act of naming an emotion can bring clarity and lessen its hold.

• Using nganga (deliberate breathing) can help ground you, especially when kare-a-roto feels intense. It’s a way of slowing down and honoring what’s present without letting it control you.

• Express the kare-a-roto you are feeling Safely – i.e., writing, drawing, talking, or moving, find ways to let your emotions flow.